Affect Psychology in the Classroom

There are four universal systems of defense against the information shame wants us to consider. These four modes of response can be arranged in the shape of a compass with the poles labeled: Withdrawal, Attack Self, Avoidance, and Attack Other. At each pole is a library of responses or scripts for things to say and do when shame strikes and we don't know how to deal with it honestly.

At the Withdrawal pole are all the ways we try to conceal ourselves to prevent others from having what we fear is yet another reason to hold us in contempt because some sort of weakness or defect has been exposed. If we had felt safe and secure, we would not have needed to withdraw. But in that moment there is also a sense of loss, a feeling of isolation and insecurity. Shame distracts us from the connection with others. Once we withdraw and disconnect we've not only lost a great opportunity for personal growth, but we have lost our connection with people who might help us get through life's difficult moments.

Yet, it gets worse. In the attempt to limit the pain and fear we feel because we are alone, we can form relationships in which we ask another person to take for granted that we are defective and not worth loving. At this Attack Self pole of the compass are scripts that show us how to accept the idea that only through a reduced status in life can we have any relationships at all. People who chose this pole of the compass feel safer when they take a dive in the game of life. People want desperately to appear the winner, so you can always find someone who needs to be around a loser. Those who chose the Attack Self pole are still filled with shame, but they're not isolated. They're in the game, accepted by society in some way that to them feels better than to withdraw.

Our studies of violence force us to worry more than might be expected about those who live at the Withdrawal and Attack Self pole of the compass. Those who choose and accept this sense of personal isolation and reduction, and who allow the accompanying sense of shame to build up over time are the ones who are most likely to explode when the pressure of shame they contain within themselves becomes too great for them to control.

The other two poles of the compass show a very contrasting way humans handle shame. At the Avoidance pole are those who know that shame feels awful. But instead of looking where the spotlight of shame directs attention, they decide to evade the feeling, to make it go away so they don't have to pay attention to it. Alcohol and street drugs do this quite well. Alcohol sort of deadens the actual feeling of shame, whereas cocaine and the amphetamines produce a degree of excitement capable of making us ignore whatever felt awful. It is only to reduce personal shame that people get stuck in the chronic overuse of these substances.

The final compass pole involves us with others quite differently. Sometimes we just can't do anything to relieve the awful thoughts and feelings that go along with shame. Withdrawal feels terrible, avoidance doesn't help, and we don't like to think of ourselves as inferior. It is when nothing else seems to work that we start to use the strategies from the Attack Other pole of the compass. This is the last of the four libraries of scripts. The object here is to reduce the self-esteem of someone else, to turn the tables and make the other guy feel awful. In its simplest form, this is called banter, an interchange of friendly and acceptable put downs. At the more malignant and dangerous end of the scale is a series of tricks like truly insulting behavior over a wide range from contempt and bullying to outright physical abuse. Dr. Nathanson believes that "no one who feels calm, stable, competent, and centered ever needs to bully or abuse anyone. All behavior at the Attack Other pole of the Compass of Shame reveals a human who is nearly helpless to deal authentically with shame. The taunts hurled by the bully tell you a lot more about the pain inside that individual than about the unfortunate recipient of this abuse." These taunts represent a way of transferring that pain to one who accepts the role of a weaker partner.

The shame experience is not easy. When it hits, it sends a shock wave throughout the entire nervous system. In those first few seconds no one can think clearly. This very brief confusion is called cognitive shock. Shame can make it seem that our entire self is suddenly defective. The mature response to shame encourages us to stay with the moment and recognize that only a section, an attribute of self has been exposed. We need to think, 'Sure, I can still love myself and I feel loved by others. Part of my self has been thrust into the spotlight, but I can handle it without rushing to any of the four poles of the Compass of Shame.'

People seldom accept the responsibility to learn from the discomfort of shame, and instead attempt to escape from it. When one escapes into the Compass of Shame we create a new network of defenses and a new set of problems. At the Withdrawal pole it ends up costing us our social safety net, the sense of security we have surrounded by friends and family. The Attack Other pole places us in relationships with those who take pleasure in being unkind to us. These relationships are usually unstable and often deeply unsatisfying. When we defend against shame using the Avoidance pole of the compass, we trick ourselves into believing that we are part of an important crowd that is really connected to others. Yet these friends with who we drink or use street drugs are usually escaping similar problems and are faking connection. When we operate from the Attack Other compass pole the way we treat people does make us feel bigger and better, at least temporarily, but it doesn't make us feel good. Life at this pole of the compass is risky, dangerous, contentious, and terribly lonely. People who live at the Attack Other pole are really cowards who seek partners for their shame-born sense of inferiority. This allows the attacker to cheat at the task of self-esteem. This is the bully, the scourge of the playground and classroom. This is the child who torments because attacking others makes it easier for his or herself to feel powerful and in control.